Controversial Opinions While We Still Have Free Speech

Stephanie Hayes
Fri, 30 Jan 2026 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

The words "constitutional crisis" get thrown around plenty, but, well. It's just that the outlook appears shaky for the Bill of Rights. The first 10 amendments to the Constitution are on the way to becoming the Bill of Vibes, or the Bill of Suggestions, or the Bill of Chewed Dentyne Ice.

It's time to act up on many levels, and that includes exercising rights of speech while we still have them. Before some goon in a camouflage balaclava shows up without a warrant demanding our handheld electronics and feeding us relaxing tabs of soma, we should get old boulders off our chests. For instance, once I am convicted of domestic terrorism for writing this column, I will no longer be able to say:

I genuinely do not understand the frenzy around this weekend's hockey event in Tampa, the NHL Stadium Series. Building an outdoor ice hockey rink a few miles away from the indoor ice hockey rink that already exists? That is too many rinks! That is so much time, labor, money and material to build a rink near a rink! I want to be openhearted about the Stadium Series because it seems like people are having fun. But often I wonder if humans are just desperate for a single original experience.
Updated: Sat Jan 31, 2026

The words "constitutional crisis" get thrown around plenty, but, well. It's just that the outlook appears shaky for the Bill of Rights. The first 10 amendments to the Constitution are on the way to becoming the Bill of Vibes, or the Bill of Suggestions, or the Bill of Chewed Dentyne Ice.

It's time to act up on many levels, and that includes exercising rights of speech while we still have them. Before some goon in a camouflage balaclava shows up without a warrant demanding our handheld electronics and feeding us relaxing tabs of soma, we should get old boulders off our chests. For instance, once I am convicted of domestic terrorism for writing this column, I will no longer be able to say:

I genuinely do not understand the frenzy around this weekend's hockey event in Tampa, the NHL Stadium Series. Building an outdoor ice hockey rink a few miles away from the indoor ice hockey rink that already exists? That is too many rinks! That is so much time, labor, money and material to build a rink near a rink! I want to be openhearted about the Stadium Series because it seems like people are having fun. But often I wonder if humans are just desperate for a single original experience.

This is going fine. I'm feeling emboldened, feeling free! As such, I will now state that traffic circles aren't that bad. People just don't know how to drive in them. And they don't like to slow down. Whew! I have been terrified to write this opinion more than any other opinion due to how much people detest traffic circles. Seriously, it goes: 1. Loud chewing; 2. Traffic circles. People need to relax on the approach, take a deep breath and just yield. Yield, baby.

Speaking of babies: Not everyone needs to have children despite what womb-obsessed weirdos say. Moreover, not everyone should have children. Some folks are truly more cut out to play pickleball and cruise to Roatan. Cheryl and Frank are thriving aboard the Radiance of the Seas, OK? They would only pass down personality disorders and high cholesterol.

"The Handmaid's Tale" costumes are overdone at protests. Those red frocks and white bonnets were visually effective at first, but the market is oversaturated. So much authoritarian cultural content is waiting to be mined. Let's get some Han Solos, some Jake Sullys, some Katniss Everdeens. Guy Fawkes masks, you don't see those too much anymore. Listen, I'm begging someone to show up dressed like the tragic fraulein Sally Bowles.

Cybertrucks look like stainless steel dishwashers trapped in a house with toddlers. You guys are driving dirty Maytags. It's embarrassing.

Chicken wings are the least satisfying way to eat chicken.

Finally, although this has been an admittedly cranky take until now, my last unpopular opinion is that fatalism is not the way to go. Sure, it can feel pleasurable in a nihilistic way to say the great experiment of America is in its final, gasping days, that we're cooked, that independence will crumble to dark overlords no matter how much action a community takes. But that's an excuse to opt out. Minnesotans have shown that organized pushback is possible, that optimism coupled with courage always paves a more fruitful road.

With that in mind, I hope everyone enjoys the hockey game. No, really.