The None-of-My-Business Column

Barry Maher
Fri, 24 Oct 2025 17:15:25 -0700
Opinion

Perhaps due to my previous incarnation as a traveling know-it-all, I keep getting requests for a column on one business or self-help topic or another. Much as I enjoy pontificating on whatever the subject, the "Slightly Off-Kilter" column is neither a business nor a self-help column. It's certainly not a how-to column and it would be horrifying to think anyone was using it as such. Still, donning my know-it-all cap for just a moment in honor of Halloween, I offer this one all-purpose column of suggestions that might just help within your family and within whatever business you're in. Or they might not. And these suggestions definitely don't work with teenagers. Nothing works with teenagers except time. Just try to keep them alive until they reach 20. If you're so inclined.

Tip 1: Don't take advice from a humor column. Unless you're an idiot. And even if you're an idiot, you're likely to do better on your own.

Tip: 2: Having a vision for the trip — whatever the trip may be — can be reassuring. However, vision without substance is not vision; it's illusion. Illusion has no long-term motivating power. It's worse than no vision at all because it creates distrust and cynicism. Children begin to distrust authority the moment they realize a giant bunny probably isn't distributing candy worldwide every Easter. And if you were ever hired by a supposed "people place," how long did it take before you realized that those people didn't include you?
Updated: Mon Oct 27, 2025

Perhaps due to my previous incarnation as a traveling know-it-all, I keep getting requests for a column on one business or self-help topic or another. Much as I enjoy pontificating on whatever the subject, the "Slightly Off-Kilter" column is neither a business nor a self-help column. It's certainly not a how-to column and it would be horrifying to think anyone was using it as such. Still, donning my know-it-all cap for just a moment in honor of Halloween, I offer this one all-purpose column of suggestions that might just help within your family and within whatever business you're in. Or they might not. And these suggestions definitely don't work with teenagers. Nothing works with teenagers except time. Just try to keep them alive until they reach 20. If you're so inclined.

Tip 1: Don't take advice from a humor column. Unless you're an idiot. And even if you're an idiot, you're likely to do better on your own.

Tip: 2: Having a vision for the trip — whatever the trip may be — can be reassuring. However, vision without substance is not vision; it's illusion. Illusion has no long-term motivating power. It's worse than no vision at all because it creates distrust and cynicism. Children begin to distrust authority the moment they realize a giant bunny probably isn't distributing candy worldwide every Easter. And if you were ever hired by a supposed "people place," how long did it take before you realized that those people didn't include you?

Tip 2: Try treating people the way the best companies treat their most important clients. This means service. It means respect and courtesy and taking the time and the trouble to build rapport. It also means getting their input before making decisions — and getting their buy-in afterward. Your employees aren't children. And your children aren't employees.

Tip 3: Dictators dictate. Leaders sell. People follow because they want to follow. In situations where you lack dictatorial power — in other words, where you lack the authority to have people taken out and shot — try leadership, try selling. Teenager Exemption: Whatever you're selling, teenagers aren't likely to be buying. Dictate if necessary. Lock them in their room — tie them up, if necessary. Just keep them alive until their brain finishes growing and they have a chance in the world.

Tip 4: Don't expect team players if you haven't made it a team sport. No matter how enlightened the language, if I don't win when the team wins, I'm not on the team. And it will never take more than one victory for me to figure that out.

Tip 5: Anyone who puts work needs ahead of the needs of their loved ones is not bright enough to lead at home or at work. How many managers put company needs ahead of the needs of their loved ones?

Tip 6: Too many.

Tip 7: Help people feel better about themselves. There are few things in life more rewarding than helping others grow and succeed. Mark Twain said that great people make you feel that you, too can become great. Make others feel that they can become great and maybe you won't be a great person, but you will get great results.

Tip 8: Speak softly and carry a big carrot. It usually works better than the stick. Concentrate on the What's in it for them, and the What's in it for you will usually take care of itself.

Incredibly Obvious Tip: Bringing out the best in people makes those people happier.

Make the people around you happy, and you'll be surrounded by happy people.

Incredibly Obvious Corollary: Most of us are happier when we're surrounded by happy people.

Final Tip: The job doesn't make the person; the person makes the job. Finding a way to manage your work — and/or your family life — that's in tune with the way you believe you should be living your life can make you far more effective. If it makes you less effective, you're in either the wrong business, the wrong family or both.

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon." Contact him and/or sign up for his newsletter at www.barrymaher.com.